As a sort of a fore-note for any of you who don't know who Pablo Blaqk is, he is my dear Cousin Paul, who has a gift for words and guitar, and was kind enough to give me a copy of his first album, which includes this amazing song, entitled Find Your Way...
Open your heart, open your soul,
And let me slide on in.
You are my love, you are my light
That always guides my way
Through this black maze of flesh and pain,
You always push me through.
If you fall fast, love, I'll carry you
Until it all comes shining through.
Basically today, I had a complete emotional meltdown.
I cried.
I sobbed.
I blubbed.
Tears flowed from my face in a seemingly unending torrent, threatening to short out my keyboard.
It was to the point that even my -emotionally uninvolved- roommate asked me what was wrong and referred to me as "hon" as she patted the back of my head in complete disinterest.
My reason for the breakdown is a combination of reasons, but mostly it's the emotional and social isolation of living in a new place. To the average person, this shouldn't be too terribly difficult, but in my case, it's been harsh. For one, I lived in the same house and grew up with the same people for fourteen years, letting me create all sorts of attachments I didn't even know I could make (like my attachment to my mother's cooking, or my sisters nagging me)! For another, I have recently (definition of recently: barely over a month) completely changed my living environment and my level of social activity, switching to a dorm full of people I can't bring myself to talk to, knowing that ninety percent of them are there for either A: Partying, B: Sex, C: A combination of the two. I'm part of the rare ten percent here to actually pursue a higher education...
This is a complete upset of my very settled balance of social and school activity, that has been changed to socializing with the love-of-my-life boyfriend and the few friends I've managed to make through him on a very small scale in comparison to the number of hours I spend locked in my dorm, studying, doing homework, and browsing the horrible pox that is Facebook.
And thus, complete meltdown of Claudzi's emotional integrity.
-enter million-track brainplaylist!- I developed a sudden and intense craving for the mellow and sweet tones of my cousin's music and his emotionally soothing lyrics.
Oh love I know,
I do, I do, I do,
You always stand by me, you're still true.
Oh love, you hold me,
You do, you do, you do.
There you are, and you still love me, you still...
The lyrics of this song make me even more emotionally attached to the boyfriend, thinking of how much -shit- I have put him through by being my stubborn and antisocial emotionally stressed self. I cannot even count the number of times, in the past month alone, that I have pushed him away from me in a moment of emotional turmoil, and still had him come back to comfort me. *You still love me...*
Hell, the previous statement works for pretty much any of my close friends, or my family, but especially him!
Not gonna lie, I have also had more moments of wishing I could have my mom here than the average college student should have. (I'm just wishing again for mom's cuddles and goofy antics)
When I set you free, you always find your way,
Back to my heart, you always find your way.
On top of the heart-wrenching chorus, there's a little post-chorus that epitomizes the way I feel toward pretty much everyone at one point or another, having pushed them away or tried to accept losing them, *when I set them free* they still manage to *find their way* and hold a permanent place in my heart, and I still feel those ghostly little heartstrings tugging every once in a while. Usually for family or friends I left behind.
Open your mouth, sincere and slow.
Lay my lips on top of yours
And every part you break me with,
Surrender all your ghosts,
Love trust in the things I say.
Release all of your ghosts.
With broken fingers I built you this home,
Love I always find my way.
The statements about ghosts make me think "ghost of my past" which falls into either connotation, considering the ghosts of my past are both good and bad. I simply choose to acknowledge the good, but people don't seem to understand that even though I show off a smile, and I laugh, those unhappy *ghosts* are still there, needing to be released, as is with everyone. We simply *release them* differently.
Again, the lyrics just make me that much more appreciative of the people I love, (namely the boyfriend! and the family!) and the way they *built me a home* *With their broken fingers* despite the pain it must have caused at one point or another.
(So I'm being cheesy, so sue me!)
Oh love I love you,
I do, I do, I do.
For now we'll live off this country land.
You always hold me,
You do, you do, you do.
There you are, and you stand by me,
You still love me when I set you free...
In the end, I come to the tear-filled realization that I have essentially taken my fourteen-year emotional stability for granted, and for the time being, I have to live with what is given me, *live off this country land* and hold on to the loved ones I can hold on to, but still be able to accept that I can love them and they can love me, even *when I set you free...*
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