The Worry List - Blue October

Another somewhat melancholy post, but with good reason... I think.


This song is by Blue October, which ties with In This Moment as my favorite band. In This Moment is my good-day band, and Blue October... well, Blue October is for the not so good days. Occasionally, I'll listen just for the pleasure of listening, but usually, I have a reason for it. My reason today? 


I've been thinking a lot about the band, honestly, mostly because I'm entered to win tickets to see a show in Rochester *crosses fingers* but also because I'm thinking about how society is spiraling around the toilet-bowl, and a lot of people are getting hurt unjustly.

~I'm tired, twisted, barely breathing, buried in the dark
~Don't be concerned, it's just the power of a breaking heart.
~How good am I hiding it?
~Look, I've got some bad intentions.
~Guilty as fucking charged.
~Still standing stable, more than able 'cause I know who you are.
~I know the birthdays, anniversaries, all the first days I missed.
~I regret them all.
~But now I know this:


Justin Furstenfeld, frontman of the band, makes it to the top of my innocent victim list today. Honestly, he's my hero, my idol, my inspiration on days when I just can't go on. This man is probably the most tortured soul I've ever known, and I've never actually met the man. I just feel as though I know him, mind and soul, through listening to his music, because it's the kind of music you can just tell they poured their hearts and souls into.

This song is from their latest album, Any Man In America, which in essence, is the story of Justin's brutal divorce and the custody battle for his adorable daughter, Blue.


Long story short, the courts ruled in favor of Blue's mother, as the courts usually do, with the excuse that mothers are better care-givers to children, but have they ever stopped to think that maybe some mothers can't be the best parents? From what I heard in the album previous, Approaching Normal, especially in the songs Blue Does and Blue Skies, Justin loves his daughter with all his heart, and losing his daughter like this has torn him apart as a sane human being. 


He said in an interview that writing the music for Any Man In America was his way of coping...


~I know that God exists.
~I held her in my arms.
~I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~I'm really fine and there's nothing we haven't talked about.
~So, take me off your worry list I said, "Throw it away."
~This is what my life is about.
~I might have been gone but I never walked out.

I haven't officially gotten a copy of the album yet, which saddens me, but I have taken the opportunity to listen to the songs via YouTube and such, and I seriously started crying. The pain and emotion is tangible through this 'Letter to my daughter' that has been given to the world.
It's music for tortured souls, by a tortured soul reaching out to tortured souls. *points to self*
Admittedly, I am somewhat of a tortured soul. Not nearly as bad as other people, but I have moments where nothing can console me for how down-and-out I'm feeling. 
~I've taken a thousand red eyes to change your point of view.
~What kind of man would take the trust you break and still follow through?
~'Cause I'm standin' right here.
~And you may not show up.
~This same gate 14 where, honestly, I'm just sick of calling your bluff.
~And it's just embarrassing, that I nearly threw up
~And I'm trying hard to change the things I always screw up.
~And at the top of my list, this visitation's no relationship.
~But I gotta make the best of it.
~'Cause I know -

It was when I first started listening to Blue October that I realized it was possible to cope, without any mind-numbing happy-pills or horrid therapy. I could be free of the weight of my depression, and with what?
The simple feeling of listening to a man with a haunting voice who knew the hurt I was feeling, sharing with the world what needed to be shared. Since the beginning, when I would listen to Hate Me and Into The Ocean over and over for fear of forgetting the meaning, my attachment and understanding of Blue October has evolved as the band has, until now, when I feel like without this band, I wouldn't be who I am. 
They just matter that much to me. Like breathing, or... like breathing!

~I know that God exists.
~I held her in my arms.
~I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
~Take me off your worry list.
~Just throw it away.
~Well, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
~'Cause I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.

I was having a conversation with dearest Boyfriend today whilst writing this post, on the topic of Blue October. (The conversation was instigated by my comment that no sensible Blue October fan would ever love Twilight as I was browsing through a random sketch-dump on DeviantArt) He made the claim that Blue October fans and Twilight fans go hand-in-hand.


(Conversation as my brain interprets it)


Me: Seriously, no self-respecting fan of Blue October would ever love something as worthless as Twilight.


Him: Are you kidding me? The two go hand in hand.


Me: O.O *furious prolonged eyetwitch* NO. No. No no no no no no no. People who love Twilight are moody tweens and teens with no grasp on reality, whereas lovers of Blue October have just reason, being that reality just won't leave them be, and they need relief from the pain.


Him: You realize that you were a moody teen when you fell in love with them, right?


Me: No, I was an emotionally tormented moody teen having an identity crisis. Difference!


Seriously, the conversation made my heart want to split into pieces. Boyfriend's anti-Blue October comments just... hurt sometimes. Granted, he doesn't fully understand my attachment to Blue October... yet. Boyfriend dislikes Blue October. He says it's because he doesn't like their sound, and I can see why he wouldn't. 


Reason: {He's the sensible type who didn't have the rough teenagerhood that a lot of people do. He didn't have to deal with the peer pressure and the emotional stress of worrying about social standings or trying to impress people. He was the smart teenager that learned from other people's mistakes rather than making his own.}


On the opposite side of that spectrum is me, who made every mistake a teenager can possibly make in Utah short of getting an STD or getting pregnant. (i.e., smoking, drinking, hanging out with thugs, trying drugs, rebelling from my parents, sneaking out of the house, etc.) I had my heart broken and broke my own heart so many times that I needed glue... I needed Blue.


(Oh dear, makings of a song or a drug reference there X])

~I couldn't wait to finally pick my family up.
~Everything is quiet and covered in snow.
~There's something wrong here...
~Nobody's at home.
~Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
~Now, I'm back in the driver's seat.
~Heading back home.
~Yeah, back to Texas on my own.

Seriously, though. Some people go to therapy, some people vent, some people punch a wall. I listen to Blue October. They're my cure, my relief when the sickness sets in. They are my reason for knowing that the way I feel is normal, and that I'm not alone.

~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
~Take me off your worry list.
~Just throw it away.
~Yeah, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
~I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.
~This is what my story's about.
~I might have been gone but I never walked out.
~I'm packin' it up, and I'm comin' today.

So, dear reader(s)(If there are any?), whoever you may be, I propose that if you feel as I somewhat vaguely described in this post and you don't already listen to Blue October, just... give them a listen. You may find them to be whiny and pitiful, or you may find them depressing and masochistic, Hell, you may just be plain annoyed by them and dislike the sound, but nonetheless, listen and try to feel the music in the strongest of your muscles, your heart.


You never know, you may find that spark of something wonderful I found when I started listening, that profound uplifting feeling that isn't fully understandable, but is like a beacon in the darkness. You may find that the combination of strong emotion and musical instruments is just what you need to get you by, until you find happiness again. You may just feel... at peace.

~This is what your story's about.
~My pretty little girl, can you figure it out?
~If it helps to know so there is no doubt,
~Just listen to the stories.
~Not everything is glorious.
~Some hurt, some love, some shout.
~I fought the world and I lost that bout.
~And you are what my album's about.
~I might have been gone, but I never walked out.