The Worry List - Blue October

Another somewhat melancholy post, but with good reason... I think.


This song is by Blue October, which ties with In This Moment as my favorite band. In This Moment is my good-day band, and Blue October... well, Blue October is for the not so good days. Occasionally, I'll listen just for the pleasure of listening, but usually, I have a reason for it. My reason today? 


I've been thinking a lot about the band, honestly, mostly because I'm entered to win tickets to see a show in Rochester *crosses fingers* but also because I'm thinking about how society is spiraling around the toilet-bowl, and a lot of people are getting hurt unjustly.

~I'm tired, twisted, barely breathing, buried in the dark
~Don't be concerned, it's just the power of a breaking heart.
~How good am I hiding it?
~Look, I've got some bad intentions.
~Guilty as fucking charged.
~Still standing stable, more than able 'cause I know who you are.
~I know the birthdays, anniversaries, all the first days I missed.
~I regret them all.
~But now I know this:


Justin Furstenfeld, frontman of the band, makes it to the top of my innocent victim list today. Honestly, he's my hero, my idol, my inspiration on days when I just can't go on. This man is probably the most tortured soul I've ever known, and I've never actually met the man. I just feel as though I know him, mind and soul, through listening to his music, because it's the kind of music you can just tell they poured their hearts and souls into.

This song is from their latest album, Any Man In America, which in essence, is the story of Justin's brutal divorce and the custody battle for his adorable daughter, Blue.


Long story short, the courts ruled in favor of Blue's mother, as the courts usually do, with the excuse that mothers are better care-givers to children, but have they ever stopped to think that maybe some mothers can't be the best parents? From what I heard in the album previous, Approaching Normal, especially in the songs Blue Does and Blue Skies, Justin loves his daughter with all his heart, and losing his daughter like this has torn him apart as a sane human being. 


He said in an interview that writing the music for Any Man In America was his way of coping...


~I know that God exists.
~I held her in my arms.
~I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~I'm really fine and there's nothing we haven't talked about.
~So, take me off your worry list I said, "Throw it away."
~This is what my life is about.
~I might have been gone but I never walked out.

I haven't officially gotten a copy of the album yet, which saddens me, but I have taken the opportunity to listen to the songs via YouTube and such, and I seriously started crying. The pain and emotion is tangible through this 'Letter to my daughter' that has been given to the world.
It's music for tortured souls, by a tortured soul reaching out to tortured souls. *points to self*
Admittedly, I am somewhat of a tortured soul. Not nearly as bad as other people, but I have moments where nothing can console me for how down-and-out I'm feeling. 
~I've taken a thousand red eyes to change your point of view.
~What kind of man would take the trust you break and still follow through?
~'Cause I'm standin' right here.
~And you may not show up.
~This same gate 14 where, honestly, I'm just sick of calling your bluff.
~And it's just embarrassing, that I nearly threw up
~And I'm trying hard to change the things I always screw up.
~And at the top of my list, this visitation's no relationship.
~But I gotta make the best of it.
~'Cause I know -

It was when I first started listening to Blue October that I realized it was possible to cope, without any mind-numbing happy-pills or horrid therapy. I could be free of the weight of my depression, and with what?
The simple feeling of listening to a man with a haunting voice who knew the hurt I was feeling, sharing with the world what needed to be shared. Since the beginning, when I would listen to Hate Me and Into The Ocean over and over for fear of forgetting the meaning, my attachment and understanding of Blue October has evolved as the band has, until now, when I feel like without this band, I wouldn't be who I am. 
They just matter that much to me. Like breathing, or... like breathing!

~I know that God exists.
~I held her in my arms.
~I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
~Take me off your worry list.
~Just throw it away.
~Well, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
~'Cause I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.

I was having a conversation with dearest Boyfriend today whilst writing this post, on the topic of Blue October. (The conversation was instigated by my comment that no sensible Blue October fan would ever love Twilight as I was browsing through a random sketch-dump on DeviantArt) He made the claim that Blue October fans and Twilight fans go hand-in-hand.


(Conversation as my brain interprets it)


Me: Seriously, no self-respecting fan of Blue October would ever love something as worthless as Twilight.


Him: Are you kidding me? The two go hand in hand.


Me: O.O *furious prolonged eyetwitch* NO. No. No no no no no no no. People who love Twilight are moody tweens and teens with no grasp on reality, whereas lovers of Blue October have just reason, being that reality just won't leave them be, and they need relief from the pain.


Him: You realize that you were a moody teen when you fell in love with them, right?


Me: No, I was an emotionally tormented moody teen having an identity crisis. Difference!


Seriously, the conversation made my heart want to split into pieces. Boyfriend's anti-Blue October comments just... hurt sometimes. Granted, he doesn't fully understand my attachment to Blue October... yet. Boyfriend dislikes Blue October. He says it's because he doesn't like their sound, and I can see why he wouldn't. 


Reason: {He's the sensible type who didn't have the rough teenagerhood that a lot of people do. He didn't have to deal with the peer pressure and the emotional stress of worrying about social standings or trying to impress people. He was the smart teenager that learned from other people's mistakes rather than making his own.}


On the opposite side of that spectrum is me, who made every mistake a teenager can possibly make in Utah short of getting an STD or getting pregnant. (i.e., smoking, drinking, hanging out with thugs, trying drugs, rebelling from my parents, sneaking out of the house, etc.) I had my heart broken and broke my own heart so many times that I needed glue... I needed Blue.


(Oh dear, makings of a song or a drug reference there X])

~I couldn't wait to finally pick my family up.
~Everything is quiet and covered in snow.
~There's something wrong here...
~Nobody's at home.
~Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
~Now, I'm back in the driver's seat.
~Heading back home.
~Yeah, back to Texas on my own.

Seriously, though. Some people go to therapy, some people vent, some people punch a wall. I listen to Blue October. They're my cure, my relief when the sickness sets in. They are my reason for knowing that the way I feel is normal, and that I'm not alone.

~Take me off your worry list.
~It'll be better that way.
~And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
~Take me off your worry list.
~Just throw it away.
~Yeah, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
~I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.
~This is what my story's about.
~I might have been gone but I never walked out.
~I'm packin' it up, and I'm comin' today.

So, dear reader(s)(If there are any?), whoever you may be, I propose that if you feel as I somewhat vaguely described in this post and you don't already listen to Blue October, just... give them a listen. You may find them to be whiny and pitiful, or you may find them depressing and masochistic, Hell, you may just be plain annoyed by them and dislike the sound, but nonetheless, listen and try to feel the music in the strongest of your muscles, your heart.


You never know, you may find that spark of something wonderful I found when I started listening, that profound uplifting feeling that isn't fully understandable, but is like a beacon in the darkness. You may find that the combination of strong emotion and musical instruments is just what you need to get you by, until you find happiness again. You may just feel... at peace.

~This is what your story's about.
~My pretty little girl, can you figure it out?
~If it helps to know so there is no doubt,
~Just listen to the stories.
~Not everything is glorious.
~Some hurt, some love, some shout.
~I fought the world and I lost that bout.
~And you are what my album's about.
~I might have been gone, but I never walked out.

Find Your Way - Pablo Blaqk

As a sort of a fore-note for any of you who don't know who Pablo Blaqk is, he is my dear Cousin Paul, who has a gift for words and guitar, and was kind enough to give me a copy of his first album, which includes this amazing song, entitled Find Your Way...


Open your heart, open your soul, 
And let me slide on in.
You are my love, you are my light 
That always guides my way
Through this black maze of flesh and pain, 
You always push me through. 
If you fall fast, love, I'll carry you
Until it all comes shining through.


Basically today, I had a complete emotional meltdown.


I cried.


I sobbed.


I blubbed.


Tears flowed from my face in a seemingly unending torrent, threatening to short out my keyboard.


It was to the point that even my -emotionally uninvolved- roommate asked me what was wrong and referred to me as "hon" as she patted the back of my head in complete disinterest.


My reason for the breakdown is a combination of reasons, but mostly it's the emotional and social isolation of living in a new place. To the average person, this shouldn't be too terribly difficult, but in my case, it's been harsh. For one, I lived in the same house and grew up with the same people for fourteen years, letting me create all sorts of attachments I didn't even know I could make (like my attachment to my mother's cooking, or my sisters nagging me)! For another, I have recently (definition of recently: barely over a month) completely changed my living environment and my level of social activity, switching to a dorm full of people I can't bring myself to talk to, knowing that ninety percent of them are there for either A: Partying, B: Sex, C: A combination of the two. I'm part of the rare ten percent here to actually pursue a higher education...


This is a complete upset of my very settled balance of social and school activity, that has been changed to socializing with the love-of-my-life boyfriend and the few friends I've managed to make through him on a very small scale in comparison to the number of hours I spend locked in my dorm, studying, doing homework, and browsing the horrible pox that is Facebook.


And thus, complete meltdown of Claudzi's emotional integrity.


-enter million-track brainplaylist!- I developed a sudden and intense craving for the mellow and sweet tones of my cousin's music and his emotionally soothing lyrics.


Oh love I know, 
I do, I do, I do, 
You always stand by me, you're still true. 
Oh love, you hold me, 
You do, you do, you do. 
There you are, and you still love me, you still... 


The lyrics of this song make me even more emotionally attached to the boyfriend, thinking of how much -shit- I have put him through by being my stubborn and antisocial emotionally stressed self. I cannot even count the number of times, in the past month alone, that I have pushed him away from me in a moment of emotional turmoil, and still had him come back to comfort me. *You still love me...*


Hell, the previous statement works for pretty much any of my close friends, or my family, but especially him!


Not gonna lie, I have also had more moments of wishing I could have my mom here than the average college student should have. (I'm just wishing again for mom's cuddles and goofy antics)


When I set you free, you always find your way, 
Back to my heart, you always find your way. 


On top of the heart-wrenching chorus, there's a little post-chorus that epitomizes the way I feel toward pretty much everyone at one point or another, having pushed them away or tried to accept losing them, *when I set them free* they still manage to *find their way* and hold a permanent place in my heart, and I still feel those ghostly little heartstrings tugging every once in a while. Usually for family or friends I left behind.


Open your mouth, sincere and slow. 
Lay my lips on top of yours 
And every part you break me with, 
Surrender all your ghosts, 
Love trust in the things I say.
Release all of your ghosts. 
With broken fingers I built you this home,
Love I always find my way. 


The statements about ghosts make me think "ghost of my past" which falls into either connotation, considering the ghosts of my past are both good and bad. I simply choose to acknowledge the good, but people don't seem to understand that even though I show off a smile, and I laugh, those unhappy *ghosts* are still there, needing to be released, as is with everyone. We simply *release them* differently.


Again, the lyrics just make me that much more appreciative of the people I love, (namely the boyfriend! and the family!) and the way they *built me a home* *With their broken fingers* despite the pain it must have caused at one point or another. 


(So I'm being cheesy, so sue me!)


Oh love I love you, 
I do, I do, I do.
For now we'll live off this country land. 
You always hold me, 
You do, you do, you do. 
There you are, and you stand by me, 
You still love me when I set you free...


In the end, I come to the tear-filled realization that I have essentially taken my fourteen-year emotional stability for granted, and for the time being, I have to live with what is given me, *live off this country land* and hold on to the loved ones I can hold on to, but still be able to accept that I can love them and they can love me, even *when I set you free...*

Cries In Vain - Bullet For My Valentine

     Lord you know I've cried a thousand tears tonight,
     But nothing seems to quench the thirst you keep on craving,
     But now I need an answer to my prayers and you're not there,
     So why I think you listen, listen.

Today, I feel helpless. Not like I'm lost and all alone and I can't fend for myself no matter how desperate I am, but I feel like no matter what I say, it can't change what's going on around me. Long story short, another one of my friends got married today.


Okay, so I don't exactly consider him a friend any more, since last time I saw him it was when he tore my heart out and trampled it under his cowboy boots as he ran away from his commitment to me, but still. It goes on the list. The list that just keeps growing, of people I know, people who were once my close friends, who I laughed and cried with. People who helped me survive the Hell that is high school, or even before, that now have spouses, and seem to have completely forgotten about me and any other unmarried friends they have.

     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     And everyone keeps trying to take that all away,
     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     Your cries.

I just want to call out to them, really. Call out to them and hope they remember everything that we shared as unmarried young-uns. But really, at this point, my cries are all in vain, because they live in a world of their own now, and nobody told me it would be this hard to get over. Nobody told me that my cries would all be in vain, or that everything I knew would be wrenched out of my hands piece by piece as I progressed into adulthood.

     Lord I can't disguise the look inside my eyes,
     The more I try to look away the more I'm staring,
     But now i need an answer to my prayers and your not there,
     So why I think you listen, listen.

I try to pretend it doesn't matter to me; that I'm happy for them and their new state of bliss. Yes, part of me is happy for them. How could I not be happy that they found the one they want to spend the rest of their life with? At the same time, how can I not be bothered that they choose to get married and move on without even so much as a backward thought?


I'm bothered that after they say their "I do's", any of their high school friends who aren't engaged or married at that point seemingly don't matter.

     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     And everyone keeps trying to take that all away,
     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     Your cries.

I'm bothered that because I don't want to be married four months out of high school, I'm not worth remembering or talking to.

     Your cries in vain
     Your cries in vain
     Your cries in vain
     Your cries in vain
     I look away

I'm bothered that they won't talk to me, or respond to my messages, or wave to me when we make eye contact in public places.

     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     And everyone is trying to take that all away,
     Has no one told you, your cries are all in vain,
     Your cries.

I'm bothered that I have no control over it, because right now, all I want is a little control and order in my life, since everything thus far has been hectic and confusing. Moving out, starting college, living away from my family in a completely different city, all my friends getting married and engaged and pregnant and starting their own families, it's all been enough to drive me insane with frustration.

     Has nobody told you when you look away,
     The stories they told you still run through your veins


It scares me to think that my whole evening has been poisoned by such a joyous event as marriage, but seriously. I wish people would think about how their actions could affect or even hurt their friends...

This Is The Most Creative Title I Can Think Of.

If only it could be defined how hard it is to start a new blog.

It starts with picking what your blog will be about, from talking about your day (nyeh), complaining about your roommate/neighbor/boss (also nyeh), telling the world about the behaviors of your fat cat Skippy, or just random thoughts that cross your head through the day.

Once settled on a topic, the task is then then tediously sorting through millions of name ideas until you find one that's suiting of the topic and at the same time, catchy. Half the time, that catchy blog name is already taken and belongs to someone who posts there once a month, and you think at them, "You don't deserve to have that catchy blogname! I could do so much more! Nyaaaaahhh!" Okay, so maybe not everybody does that, but it's crossed my mind a time or two. X]

After that, it's all a matter of keeping on top of the posting, the hardest part of all. With that...

Greetings.

I am Claudzi. Claudzilla, Cloud, Claudie, whatever. What makes me special? I have the ability to hold more songs in my head than an iPod. What's even more special than that? My million-song database brain takes all the worst opportunities to make my life hilarious by giving it theme music. Thus, The Hundred Songs In My Head was born, a place for me to record the songs that flit their way hither and thither through my brain throughout the day, and the resulting hilarity in my mind that ensues.

So to start this blog officially, I'm going to supply my staggering zero readers with a ten-fact list about me.

1. I am a starving college student at a party school, though the parties are the last thing on my mind, since the education here is cheap, and I needed inexpensive knowledge. References to my classes and my classmates should be rather common. X]

2. My place of residence is a dorm-room that makes me feel like I've gone back in time to the sixties, complete with ancient particle-board shelving, desk, and closet units covered in false oak, and old red brick walls barely covered with drywall and white paint. It is kept at a constant fifty-eight degrees, because I'm terrified of anything with more than four legs, and I figure, if you get cold, put on a jacket. End of story.

3. My passions are music and art. If I'm not jamming out to music (in my head or otherwise), I'm probably off in a quiet place scribbling in my sketch journal.

4. I love to write. With my imagination, I like to create entire worlds, and describe them using only words I know. To me, good writing is like creating art with words. If a picture is worth a thousand words, wouldn't it be great to find the thousand words to describe it?

5. My sense of style is questionable. I'm the kind of person that can't decide if I'm going for trendy or unique, and thus, my strange combination of main-stream style and semi-gothic apparel have brought me to be a one-of-a-kind fashion hybrid, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

6. I am accident-prone. I have acquired almost every injury possible to get without actually breaking a bone. Despite my obvious disaster-magnetism, I continue to partake in everyday adventures that lead me to even more injuries.

7. I am a short ginger. Leprechaun? No. Just short, because of the short-genes of both sides of my family, bringing me to a whopping five-foot-three, and ginger because of my mother, who is as adorably ginger as you can get.

8. I hate reality. I don't deny it, I just hate it. I find it rude of my brain to taunt me with exciting scenes of fantastical places and fantastical people having fantastical adventures only to wake up to the mundane world full of cranky people living monotonous lives.

9. I love food. Nothing makes the Claudzi happier than sitting down to a good meal with people she loves.

10. People entertain me. An excellent pastime of mine is to go to any populated public place to people-watch and try to figure out people's quirks.

This is me. Just an ordinary college student with an ordinary(ish) life and a Hundred Songs In My Head waiting to play.