Panic Attack - Dream Theater

Reader(s), I'm scared.

Today, thoughts of death are my companions. They are a scattered collection of fragmented ideas that I thought I'd left behind long ago. I thought for the longest time that my worries were gone, that I wouldn't have to face the impending doom that is my eventual fate.

>All wound up<
>On the edge<
>Terrified<

As the title of this post may suggest, I experienced a panic attack this evening.

Ever since experiencing my first attack on my 19th birthday in the pit of an Iron Maiden show, I've been... wary of stress. I've been conscious of my heart-rate, careful of my breathing, and always at the ready to find a reason to calm down.

Since the show, I've experienced numerous small anxiety attacks, characterized normally by elevated breathing and an inability to move for several minutes. They've been more frequent in the last couple months, for obvious reasons. Stress is a familiar thing for me now.

>Sleep disturbed<
>Restless mind<
>Petrified<

All my precautions, all my calming thoughts, all my practiced breathing, nothing could have prepared me for the full physical assault of stress and anxiety and emotion that ensued tonight. It was like a truck hit me square in the chest, shattering my ribs and collapsing my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath and in immense pain. I felt my legs go weak from the shuddering in my chest, felt my lips trembling from grasping for oxygen. I was shaking so horribly, gasping so frantically, I was folding in on myself, finally an external projection of my internal self.

>Bouts of fear<
>Permeate<
>All I see<

It felt as though every nerve in my body was shot simultaneously, then resuscitated only to be shot again. It was wave after wave of oxygen-starved pain from head to toe. 

>Heightening<
>Nervousness<
>Threatens me<

Everything started to turn red, then I couldn't see anything. I was grasping at my throat, trying to find even a whisper of air, but when there came no air, no breath, I began to panic even more, and the experience only intensified. I could almost feel myself dying, collapsing from a lack of breath, stopped cold in the apex of my life. I've never felt a fear so intense in my life.

>I am paralyzed<
>So afraid to die<

Even with a mass of human flesh closing in on me, physically threatening to crack my ribs to the tune of Aces High, I wasn't this scared. Even as my throat was physically being crushed and my only salvation was the backwards pull of his comforting arms around my shoulders, I wasn't this scared. I wasn't alone then. I was panicking, but at least then, I had a hand to hold while I slowed my breathing, while I made my head stop reeling. I wasn't afraid of dying then.

>Caught off guard<
>Warning signs<
>Never show<

I've never known what it's like to have fear and sadness and anxiety take physical form like this. I've always felt them as nothing more than a fleeting sinking feeling in my stomach, or a bitter pang in my chest, but never like this. I can honestly say I was unaware of my body's ability to take the emotional and turn it into something like this. This... this pox. This disease.

>Tension strikes<
>Choking me<
>Worries grow<

I don't know how long I blacked out, only that I did. I just... I recall getting into the shower, and in the midst of scrubbing my hair, having my entire physical being crushed, and when I thought I could take no more of it, everything went blank. The next thing I knew, I was wrapped up in a blanket, shivering on my bed, heart racing, breathing still elevated but within controllable limits. I don't know what happened between Point A and Point B, but now that I'm relatively calmed down, I find it prudent to write down the experience before I forget.

>Why do I feel so numb<
>Is it something to do with where I come from<
>Should this be fight or flight<
>I don't know why I'm constantly so uptight<

In my post-panic state, I can't tell if I'm grateful for the encroaching physical and emotional numbness, or if I'm sad to see the invigoration of panic go. Despite nearly experiencing my death, I almost enjoyed the near-sensation of it.

>Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest<
>Agitated body in distress<
>I feel like I'm in danger<
>Daily life is strangled by my stress<

I can't tell if I should be wary of another attack, or just excited at the knowledge that I can feel something. In a twisted way, I almost want to experience it again, just to know what it's like to have my heart race for something. I almost want to stand on the brink of death, just to see if I'll fall back or forward into the cold embrace of nothingness.

>A stifling surge<
>Shooting through all my veins<
>Extreme apprehension<
>Suddenly I'm insane<

These are the thoughts that scare me. These are the thoughts that weave their way through my mind when I'm trying to be happy, when I'm trying to fix myself. These are the thoughts that make me wonder what gear got knocked loose in my head, and how long it's been loose. These are the thoughts that make me curious as to how I've survived my life for this long.

>Lost all hope for redemption<
>A grave situation desperate at best<

I'm so indecisive. I wish I could just... choose, whether to feel the lively palpitating of my heart as I feel all my fears come to a point, or to wrap myself comfortably in the numbness that I'm so familiar with. I'm beginning to feel conscious of everything I wish for, all the would-be's and could-have-been's and might-be-so's that I so often live in. I would that I could start living in the present as-is, but the tantalizing thoughts of my fantasies are so much more beautiful than the stark, sharp reality I'm so resentful to.

>Why do I feel so numb<
>Is it something to do with where I come from<
>Should this be fight or flight<
>I don't know why I'm constantly reeling<

I feel an optimistic longing for a better tomorrow, as well as a stubborn attachment to the beautiful yesterdays, coupled with a bitter resentment for the depressing lack of life that is today. It creates a confusion in me that makes death seem like an awfully comforting companion.

>Helpless hysteria<
>A false sense of urgency<
>Trapped in my phobia<
>Possessed by anxiety<

I guess the agitating thing is that I can't hide from what's inside my head. I can't escape the ever-present thoughts of mistakes and trials and stresses and fears, the never-ending torrent of words and emotions and noises that flows through my head.

>Run<
>Try to hide<
>Overwhelmed by this complex delirium<

I wish I could escape the fears, the anxieties, the sheer panic of an unending thought-stream. I wish I could know the feeling of a clear segment of thoughts, an easy-to-understand stream of consciousness, or better yet, the feeling of hearing no thoughts at all. In all the confusion that normally plagues my brain, the idea of a clear, thin line of thought is like the sound of trumpeting angels in the sky.

>Helpless hysteria<
>A false sense of urgency<
>Trapped in my phobia<
>Possessed by anxiety<

I don't know how, and I don't know when, but somehow, I must fix this. I must learn to control my fear, my anguish. I just don't know.

>Run<
>Try to hide<
>Overwhelmed by this complex delirium<

So that's the story of my evening. I suppose... tonight the thoughts of death kind of count as... cynically suicidal, but kind of contemplating my narrow escape. I can't tell if the persisting thoughts are memory or the contemplation of a future event,  but I'm too exhausted to care at the moment, so I'm going to just... sleep, I suppose.

Hopefully tomorrow will arrive with better experiences in tow...