I Gave You All - Mumford & Sons

Well, I told myself about two hours ago that I would be going to sleep, but the Hundred Songs part of me had other ideas. I had a wonderfully long and wildly emotional conversation tonight with the girl who by all means has helped me survive the last... long while. And... well, long story short, we have this post.

I've been listening to a wide variety of everything lately, and tonight, I heard this song, and I just... I had to pull up this derned blog and write about it, because that's just what I do.

I give you my sleepless post, I Gave You All, by Mumford & Sons. This post... is a thank-you. From a Cloud to her Sky... If ever he reads this, then may it help heal the hurt, for both of us. I never really got the chance to thank you for everything you did.

~Rip the earth in two with your mind~
~Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires~
~I never meant you any harm~
~But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm~

You told me some days ago that you were tired of shouldering the burden of our relationship. For that I thank you. Thank you for being strong when I was just a participant. Thank you for being a pillar when I was just a bird, there to perch whenever I felt like it. Thank you for letting me cry on you when I had no reason. Thank you for listening when I all I had were harsh words to say. Thank you for enduring where I was weak.

~But close my eyes for a while~
~Force from the world a patient smile~

Thank you for your endless patience with my insecurities and my frustrations and my grief. Thank you for being all you could be. Thank you for being so understanding when the words just couldn't pass my lips in the right order. Thank you for smiling when the only thing I gave you was a curt reply.

~How can you say that your truth is better than ours?~
~Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms~
~The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home~
~If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won~

You told me once that you felt like I was icing you out. I thank you for staying close all the same. Thank you for trusting me when trust was the last thing I deserved. Thank you for patiently letting me be the worst I could be, though you made me want to be the best me. Thank you for laughing when I got all the punch-lines wrong in the crummy jokes I told. Thank you for telling me everything, even when I told you nothing.

~But I gave you all~

You told me a long time ago that you'd love me no matter what. Thank you for keeping that true through the best... and the worst. Thank you for being my shining star when I was skulking around in the dark. Thank you for playing me lullabies when I couldn't sleep, and showing me all the most beautiful music of the world. Thank you for teaching my soul to listen to words, not just beats.

~Close my eyes for a while~
~Force from the world a patient smile~

You told me that you wanted me to be strong. Thank you for letting me be. Thank you for making me stand on my own when I'd become too dependent. Thank you for teaching me what it is to need personal strength, and thank you for helping me be strong at the times when I had no strength of my own.

~But I gave you all~

 You often apologized for going out to spend time with our friends when I was home alone. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for the friendships. Thank you for introducing me to such wonderful people who make my life a wonderful place to be. Thank you for knowing the best of the best. Thank you for taking the time out of your evening to text your grumpy girlfriend when you were having a good time.

~But you rip it from my hands~
~And you swear it's all gone~
~And you rip out all I have~
~Just to say that you've won~

You used to wish me sweetest dreams, and I often didn't do the same. Thank you for staying true night after night after night. Thank you for being the angel of my sleep. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself.

~Well now you've won~

Thank you for everything. The good... and the bad.

I'm not going to pretend that this doesn't hurt, because it does. Every day is a struggle, and some days feel more fatal than others. Every day I try to remind myself what it is I need to be: independently strong. Every day, whether I admit it or not, gets a little bit easier to get through. I still have my moments of absolute blackness, where I curl up inside myself and just... cry, but they're becoming less frequent. Every day I get a little bit stronger, a little bit happier, a little bit more... and I hope to someday just be able to be happy on my own. And you may be feeling all sorts of awful about this whole situation as I am, and I'm sure my blathering doesn't help, but... thank you. If anything, thank you. You've taught me more about myself in our year and a half together than I learned in the whole eighteen years previous.

You gave me all, and I thank you.